Ghajini scar

An original #ghajini scar from 2011. The same month my ‘head wrap’ was removed & I was quite intoxicated with the cleaning alcohol poured onto my head directly that I gave up drinking alcohol itself! I can say I’ve experienced it quite different all together.

Imagine feeling a tweezer & scissors cut through the sutures on your head. Much like right out of a movie without the pain. It became a story I loved telling because how many people can experience that? The first time is always great, like on a honeymoon with yourself. Jokes, alternate perceptions, curious bumps, dents and left hemispheric inquiries of a before and after. Not too ignore my blonde hair being turned pink & went around as a fashion statement.

But this lockdown presented a bigger problem for me. Not because my tumour returned last year but the question of WHY. This is a question science will not be able to answer satisfactorily to anyone where suffering is concerned. We can rationalise, intellectualise, justify, find solutions but all are external solutions for internal inquiry which has never helped anyone in the long run.

So I quit joking, quit putting up this ‘I’m alright’ appearance. The joker version who can lighten things. All of these archetypes are created for our ego display & ego gratification of our viewers or the people we feel are listening. Even this pressure is preposterous in itself as it undermines the seriousness of how much more internal inquiry needs to be made by both.

I had begun a course on Shamanic leadership that came at an opportune time for me. However, it was never about finishing the course (opposing what my ego seeks). It is how in the very process of such an opportunity arising that everything internally gets shaken up.

And for this very reason, a past will recreate itself in order for a different response to be sourced. It is this transition where each of us continue to struggle with.

And until we question ourselves our answers will not reveal themselves either.

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